Parang Trip Lang Sa Nova

Sa Nova nandun ang mga friends kong nakilala ko sa pamamagitan ng mga dugtong-dugtong na pangyayari. Sila ang mga friends kong hindi naka exposed sa limelight ng aking makulay na buhay ngunit ang makasama sila ay tunay na napakasaya. Madalang kung kami ay magkita-kita. Kung may available na panahon, ngunit madalas ako ang walang makitang available na panahon para makasama sila. Isa sila sa mga matitibay kong mga kaibigan. Kung gusto kong maglibang, lumayo sa pressure at magpahinga... sa kanila ang punta ko. Sad fact... ako lang ang nakakaalam kung taga saan sila! Nyahahaha!

'san pa... eh di sa Nova !!

I passed by along Sauyo Road.... Sauyo market. Ui, di ko malimutan na nag so short cut ako dyan papuntang Fairview ! Ano ginawa ko sa Fairview? Wala lang, sinindak ko lang ang sarili ko at natutunan ko ang daan.

Nagkaharap-harap kaming magkakaibigan... hindi ko akalaing sa loob pla ng 2 taon ay mabibilang sa 5 daliri ang mga pagbisita ko ko... at napakarami ko ng hindi alam, ngunit sa dami ng mga bagay na hindi ko na alam ay ang malaman ang isang malupit na sikretong nagpataas ng aking kilay ....

" hindi pala sapat ang matapat na pagmamahal upang manatiling tapat sa iyo ang isang tao... ang katapatan ay bahagi ng pagkatao, kahit anong katapatan ang gawin mo, kung hindi ito pagkatao ng isang tao, imposibleng makatanggap ka ng katumbas na katapatan."

Sadyang may mapalad at hindi mapalad.

Ngunit hindi na ako nagalit sa aking nalaman dahil ito ay tapos na... tatlong taon na ang nakakalipas. Hindi na masakit sa bangs !! Tinawanan ko na lng ng malakas at nasabi kong mapalad pa din ako !!

Lahat ng aming pinag tripang awitin sa videoke ay mga lumang kanta na nauso pa yata nung ako ay high school pa... ang iba ay kapanahunan pa ng aking ama. Mas maganda pa din ang mga lumang kanta ! Sino me sabi?..... Sila!!! ei, sila un! Nalibang din aq... masaya! super!

Backride ako sa motor...as usual, as always........ ang lamig ng hangin....pabalik sa mga dating daan pauwi at paikot-ikot. Nagpasalamat ako sa Dios... napagtagumpayan ko ang mga dating sakit ng mga daang aming dinaanan ....mabait ang Dios!

At ganun pla katagal na absent ako sa areas na ito! at nag mahabang paglalakbay ay nagtapos sa isang tasang kape !!

"Kelan ka babalik?" Tanong sa akin. " Huwag kang magpapayat. " Paalala.

Wala akong nasabing panahon. Isa lang nag naisip ko :

Ang buhay ay paglalakbay... gaano man kalayo ang iyong narating.... gaano man kataas ang iyong naabot, babalik at babalik ka sa mga simpleng bagay na iyong nagisnan.... sa mga taong iyong naiwan... sa mga pangyayaring nagbigay sa iyo ng aral, upang malaman mong masarap pala talaga ang mabuhay at gaano ka kamahal ng Dios sa kabila ng iyong mga kasalanan at kamalian. Hindi mahalaga kung ano pa man ang nagawa sa iyong mali... ang mahalaga ay natutunan mong magpatawad, lumimot at tulungan pa ang mga taong nang walanghiya sa iyo... na hindi sapat ang kasamaan ng isang tao upang iwasan mo siya. Ang mahalaga.... naramdaman mong tao ka din !

" you don't deserved these things...."

I know... let it be.

It's not the question.

Hannah

I saw how this little girl came to this world. Her mother a single mom now. Her father left them when she was only 2 years old. She got a brother younger than her. She was like every ordinary kid when she was born and everybody thinks that she's an ordinary kid.

Every time we have weight monitoring in the community, we always find her under weight and under height.... I always say to her mom, " Hindi mo ba ito pinapakain? Bakit parang hindi lumalaki?". But her mom will always reply, " Ang lakas nga po kumain nyan teacher! "

Ayyy..

This little kid we call Hannah is not 4 years old and she think and speak like a 1 year old child.

Yup. she is a special child. As I study her case, she has a developmental delay. But no one treats her as a special child. All of us treat her like we do to every kid living here...as if she has no delay.

One day, I arrived to the community after a long time of being away, she ran towards me and because she was so small, she was shoved away by the other children who also ran to hug me. I noticed her just staring from a distance. When all the kids are gone, I said hello and extended my hands to her. With a big smile on her face she hugged me and said, " I miss you 'cher!"

Wow, english!! I was amazed ! Sino nagturo sau? ..... walang sagot.

Her "I miss you 'cher!" was added by " I wab u 'cher!" ... ha?? Oh, it's " I love you 'cher!"...she can't pronounce the "love" clearly. And she always say those words with hugs and caressing my samsonite hair. She likes my hair I think.

Now for years, she does it always..she doesn't care how many times she say those words to me in one day as she follows me around the community while working or having my talks. She sings with me. Chat with me under the aratiles though she knows I don't understand every word she's trying to say. Yet she never tires. I find my day lacking a note without seeing her. She's a happy little child...skinny, fragile and so small yet super happy! It her am always asking for how when am away and last Christmas, I saved the most beautiful doll I got from the toy campaign for her. Of all the kids, you bet- she was the only one who hugged me and say " en u cher! I wab u cher!".

She touch my heart and every one who sees her... a child without malice singing with us when we sing for the Lord..dancing and clapping her hands as she moment by moment come near me ....to hug me and say, " I wab u 'cher."

Yesterday, she followed me around again. After cooking my food, I felt a pain in my heart and I slumped on the floor.. no one aside from me and her was there. She can't understand what's going on... but she kept repeating my name.. I cant' move, holding my chest...she came near and hugged me repeating my name.. I felt she understood. And I said, " Mbal aku alaan.." (Hindi aq aalis ). She left. Matagal. And I was able to go inside the house. Then her aunt came and asked how I was. And Hannah was at her back staring at me. And I said, " mbal aq ahap apa amole' na ka'am. Akuy atuli na" ( I am not good but you can go home. I will just rest sleep).

As I stood in the on the ground facing the mountains by the gate, that night, I knew I need to pray. I thought of Hannah and I realized I need not give up living. I have to continue loving. It is not the people I love who failed me but it is I who failed myself by depraving myself of a chance to be happy because I was afraid.

Ang seryoso ko naman... baka aq ma comatose nyan!

Parang Bituin Sa Mga Gumamela Ang Pasko

And Christmas Season passed........

Going back... ang saya ng Pasko ngayong 2010.... although hindi masyadong active ang travel life ko and December was jam packed with challenges , I enjoyed meeting the children who received the toys from " Joy" project. And going back to my home barrio after 29 years gave me the time travel to my childhood days. The people and my relatives still remembered me. Who will forget my grandfather and I, his sidekick !

At the end of each day, I asked myself , " Are you satisfied?", " Are you happy? ".

Because of all the seasons, I only like the winter months for its cold air, aside from that... nothing more. And every sunset in winter season, I ask myself those two questions above.

When I was a child, I often wondered how parols get lights inside them. I saw christmas lights like little stars blinking on gumamela shrubs. And I would ran along the streets habang binibillang kung ilang bahay ang mayroong "maliliit na stars" sa kanilang mga bakuran. I will go as far as the fishponds at the back of the school... the fishponds lay streched along the lake connected to Manila Bay. There are no houses there.... bamboos yes. I went there to smell the wind coming from the lake. It's where I learned to track the directions of the wind. If it will gonna rain or not, or a typhoon is coming, or a drought!

But I go there.... to wonder about the so many questions I had in my mind. To seek for answers that didn't came... and to forget about the things that I don't like.

I had everything but I was not happy. I was like a doll, no life of my own. I made people happy but I didn't have my own.

And when I came back after 29 years.... I realized I miss the place. I miss our ancestral house now wasted! I miss my grandparents. I miss the memories. I wish I am a child again counting the little stars on gumamela shrubs, still wondering how parols get lights inside. And I thought about the many things I learned and the many funny moments in my childhood that make me smile now.

Now..... " Are you satisfied? ", "Are you happy?".

May tatlong bibe akong nakita.

Mataba. Mapayat ang mga iba.....

Ngunit ang may pakpak sa likod nag-iisa,

Syang naunang nagsabi ng "quack! quack!"

The song I often heard from my teachers way back those years. And I really watched ducks walk along the street to under the gumamela shrubs....... smelling the flowers! Awwwwww! Naglolokohan na lng tayo !!

Bakit kaya hindi nababasa ang bibe pag nasa tubig? At ang gumamela..... bakit laging makintab ang dahon niya kahit maalikabok sa kalsada? At paano nangyayaring makagagawa ka ng lobong bula mula sa dinikdik na bulaklak ng gumamela?

Looking on the waters... I have dremt this, I will come back again. In my dream, I was walking on the waters, picking up stones from the lake bed and keeping them on my skirt. I came across a house and saw myself sitting by the terrace looking at the sunset and a man came up to me and said, " Come, I will show you where your treasure is. " And I said, " I don't want treasures. I want my sunset."

And here I am.... reunited with my roots, and my staying made me realized the stones I am picking up in my dream. And no one spoke about the years I was away.... only " But you have made it! And it's the most important thing!". And the cover of my Timeline, it was the time I was sitting on a porch of a terrace by the lake when my cousin took that picture. And my sunset?

I don't know when will I see him.

Ang Christmas..... pinasasaya lamang ng mga ala-alang masasaya. Pinalulungkot ng mga pangyayaring hindi mo ginusto pero dumating. Pinasasaya rin ng mga bagay na hinihintay mong dumating. Pinalulungkot din ng mga nabigong pag-asa. Ano man ang dahilan.... wala na aq pakialam! Basta ang alam ko, hinahanap q tuwing Pasko ang kagaya ng christmas lights na nakita ko noong bata pa aq..... para lng bituin sa ibabaw ng mga gumamela.. sapat na 'yun para ngumiti aq.

" I was like a doll, no life of my own. I make people happy but I don't have my own."

Pillow

" There was this precious pillow I had, I grew up with. I can't sleep without it. My grandmother made that pillow for me. It has cotton fiber inside and the cases are also cotton. Very huggable and comforting. In fact, I can't sleep without it!

No one in the house is allowed to borrow my pillow. Not even my kids.

I got married and had kids and my pillows stayed with me. I lost my husband and all, my pillow stayed with me. When I travel, it is the first thing I pack in my bag.

I hug it when am sad. I carry it around the house when am alone. It is the sole witness to my tears at nights. It has mantsa ng tears... ayan na naman!! haha

In the time, people are looking for the documents that will serve as my only evidence for what am fighting for... they have turned my house upside down, they can't find it.... my pillow hid them inside it!

Then one day, in a trip, someone noticed my red-cased pillow. She hugged it and said, " Hmmm.... ang lambot naman ng unan mo 'teh! Sarap yakapin! " I smiled and proudly said, "that's my favorite pillow... I grew up with it !"

Days past.... the same friend visited my house, out of courtesy.. she stays long. During coffee times, she borrowed my pillow to hug between her knees. I feel a little uneasy about it, but because she's my friend... I shrugged the feeling away.... let her hold my pillow.

One night, I arrived home tired and out... wanting to rest..... something's missing..... my pillow.

Looking for it.... to my dismay, she had it under her head! I was angry but I kept my mouth shut! Maybe she will return it the next morning.

Next day afternoon, she texted me.... " Alis na aq sis ! Thank you sa accommodation...."

Home after dark...... time to sleep..... something's missing....... MY FRIEND TOOK MY PILLOW WITH HER!! I texted her about my pillow and she said.... " Oooohhhh, remembrance mo nlang sa akin! Thank you hah!"

I was so angry! But I kept my mouth shut! I was too trusting... too naive to let her hold my precious pillow!

Up to now, am missing my pillow.... yes, I can make another one. But the way it was made..that is irreplaceable! My grandmother is dead. Our old house in the island was gone. The childhood memories I kept in it. The tears I shed on it. The words I burried in it when am crying. The smell. The comfort it brings -- they are irreplaceable!

I don't want to be naive anymore. I lost so much because of my " walang masamang tinapay" attitude.

My pillow was replaced by people dear to me... people I love so deep... people I care so much..people I will fight for.... people who loves me so dearly.

" my sun doesn't shine without you."

And I

i miss you..

i fail to sleep

i don't want to miss a single moment,

looking at you.

i hold you so dear,

in my heart i keep still.

unmoved, strong and alive.

i cherish each time

you are closer,

i feel heaven is mine.

i find nothing else more beautiful,

than standing right next to you,

conquering darkness and sleep,

time and spaces.

with our minds and hearts

bounded by

love,

i see, i hear, i feel..

and i begin to miss you more,

more than any word could tell.

and nothing more i dream,

than being in your arms

to finally say,

oh yes, we are.

if only i can hold you,

then i will not let you go.

to look at you forever,

here beside me.

but no, i know i am dreaming.

but i don't want to wake up

anymore,

if it's the only way

to stay with you.

i said a lot,

and i know my words will fade away

in the passing of time.

but my love and my

missing you,

will not fade away.

At Nagkwento Si.... Ano nga Name Mo?

After so many weeks, I turned on my television. While enjoying my soup, there is this program that allows people with grudges and problems face each other in front of millions of viewers.... hurling insults, badmouthing and even do physical assaults at each other.... this for the purpose of solving their conflicts. Of course, I saw a kababaro, a life coach to assist and help these people.
I hardly finished my soup.... so this is now the new approach to solve seem-like-impossible conflicts-- get them on t.v.! And we, viewers were amused.... errr, got my two big eyes and "taas-kilay" look! I go awwww! eeewwww! araayyyy! ayayyy! humaygashhh!!! hahahaha!
Conflicts are part of life. It is the product of Adam and Eve's disobedience to God. Kahit ano'ng bait ng isang tao, may sisingaw pa ding conflict. No one is conflict-free. I guess.. When there is conflict, there are short-tempered people, passive people, understanding people as well as narrow-minded ones. There goes the cool ones-- "away kau, care q. Pag tapos na kau, then tell me!" and the "sawsaws" at "gatongs". Of course, there's the victim and the victimizer.
" He he he he! Ang tatapang nila."
"Ha??? Hmmm..."

" I had my share of gulo, pero kakaiba aq. Wala lang, basta... 'yun trip q, walang basagan! "

" Ha ha ha ha ! I went through a very heavy and difficult conflict. Mabigat talaga ang mga problema pero mas mabigat ung alam mo na walang gusto makinig sau kasi di ka pinaniniwalaan. At walang magtanggol sau khit mahal mo sa buhay kasi di rin sila naniniwala sau. 'San ka pa? Package yan!"

........nadagdagan ang soup ko ng isang tasang kape... itinaas ko na din paa ko sa chair.

" At kapag pala lahat ng tao ay nagsasalita at nang iinsulto ng sabay-sabay, matatameme ka! Magmumukha kang suka sa kaputlaan kasi di mo alam ang isasagot mo..... in-short, nabahag ang buntot ko! nyahaha! "
" may buntot ka? weh! iyak!"........... ang init ng kape!
" I went away, moved to another place. Left all the people behind. I've said all I need to say..."please believe me and help me... this is this...this is that." and I thought tama na 'yun. I left, took nothing for myself . Hindi ako lumitaw for 10 years. I said, hayaan nating mamatay ang apoy. Hayaan nating ang panahon ang magpatunay na ako ang tama at lahat sila ay mali! Hindi bale wala na ako face, 'yun gusto nila... may magagawa ba ako?"

Second cup of coffee.... anyare?
"There are times I crossed upon people who knew me. They called me "weak" and many words I can't even take.... may looks pa huh! Tiniis ko yun... wala sila narinig sa akin. I learned to defend myself and those with me, sa area ko lng... passively yet alert. After 3 years, time turned around, it proved I was right. But its not enough to change everything, and the more insults I got instead of " am sorry". So, I retreated silently.. 7 years I did. The 8th year come, my loved ones looked for me. Yea, I got my first hug and tears I saw in their eyes, asking for my forgiveness.

"you were right. we are wrong. " silence of words... only tears. .. but there was no more tears from my eyes... all dried up."

"I went home after isang dekada ate! It's like my birthday for those who saw they are wrong, but for those who don't, they are still hurling me with stones. But I don't care anymore. Tears will last a night, it'll be gone tomorrow- an another day."

Third cup of coffee.... buo pa tenga ko.

" Ung gf ng ex ko ay walang kasawa-sawang i text ako ng kung ano-anong pangit na mga sinasabi. Araw-araw na nlng, two weeks na!! Nakakapundi!! 3 years na kaming hiwalay nun.. nsa kanya na nga, inagaw na nya sa akin ! Ni anino nung bf nya di ko nakikita-- galaiting-galaiti pa din sa akin!! Sa akin hinahanap ang bf nya pag nawawala!! Waaaaahh! "

Nabuga kape ko... sambulat sa mesa! Hahahahahahha! " Nu ginawa mo?"

" Ni replayan q. Sabi ko "Hu u? Sori am busy now. Text again later! "
Hahahahahahaha! Aning!

People react differently to every situation, depending on individual capabilities and capacities and of course, experience or training in life. Some took things silently, some withdraw, some fight back, some just care less, others take it for granted, while some take it seriously. Others just can't fight they take it on upon themselves, so many take suicide. Like the picture I saw the other night.... a girl, after tries and fights, got tired of her life, gave up the hope and lie in the middle of the road face down.

Life is like a movie they said. But for me, it is not. Life is a reality. We are not actors, we are humans, we have feelings, we are alive. We can choose to be hurt or not to be hurt. We can choose to be who we are or who we are not. We can be anything we want but we all have the right to protect ourselves and we don't have the right to hurt other people just because we were once hurt by others. Solutions to conflicts need not to go further anywhere.... serious talk, listening and understanding will resolve any issue in life.

How do you handle conflicts?


Aq? It's enough that I said about it.
I take defense.
I retreat.

At Ako'y Nahumaling..... ha??

Song : Marry Me by Train

Additive : Peewee bbq flavor

Ang hirap kumain ng chichiriang di mo type ang flavor! hahahaha! Just to make this moment light. Nang mamahinga ang utak ko, namahinga din ang mga blogs ko, at ako'y nalulong sa games at kay crok ! whahahahaha! Naloko na!

Ameba Pico is one game I love to play! It'll be my 1 year playing this game on October 19. My avatar underwent 3 hairdos, twice eye color and multiple room status changes. I acquired 180 buddies in one year but I have to delete those inactive ones aside from the reason of maximum 100 buddies a pico can have. But I maintained those who became my Facebook buddies and whom I maintained friendship with. Jemes , Hidan , Hans Rafael , Warang , Innachi, Chichiwah, Joseph were my first buddies.. and they are still my friends up to now except for Innachi and Joseph. Among my lasting buddies and friends who maintained friendship with me up to now are Dulux (Ben Harain) almost a brother to me, Warang (Bosz Amiel), Hidan (Wax Morales), Jhayta (Jayson Tandoc), Regor (Atchup ni Regor), Hans Rafael ( Randolf Caro), Blake (Blake Cullen),and Music Lover (Ariel Delicana) .... teka, panay boys pla toh! hahahahaha!! Oh, let me include Garapata ( Roderick Burce) among my list.

I was a sole player, although a lot of picos talk to me... I never go with groups and never held events. Of all the quests, events and games are the ones I failed to complete.... not until Crok came, my dearest! But I made only 2 events since he came and..... wooshengg!!!

This game is a virtual world. You will meet a lot of people from different nations. My experiences vary from culture to culture. People make this game their own world. Real behaviors are displayed here. I say, kung hindi matibay ang dibdib mo... huwag ka maglaro nito... mag DOTA or Cabal ka nlng!

My pico life are messed by flirt girls and bullies! Asians dominate this game! But in the middle of this game, I met nice friends also and good ones too. Pico Katie (Katie Rubin), Dulux (Ben ), Kaze Aaze (Ronmar Cesna), Yuki (Miles Yee) and Dio (Neil Hermogenes), Culipi (Queena Lin), Zee (Zeevidovicha Amalia Dina) are among the good friends I got now in this game, crossing the border of the Pico server.... we are friends!

I learned a lot of things here aside from friendship. I learned trust, humor, and "whatever" attitude through Crok. .... what to think about and what not to think about! I also learned a lot of things about him and ... about myself. The game also gives me some mindsetting principles about money and prosperity like

1. The more you hold your gummies (pico money) and gold (Ag) tight, the more chance you'll gonna spend it on things you don't primarily needed.

2. The more you give, the more you earn.

3. The more gummies and Ag you have, the more you don't know what to buy... tendency is, you'll spend them on secondary things or just waste them.

4. Tech business is an " in" business... games will make you rich because it has become the stress reliever of many people. hahahahahha!

..... and of Love....

1. True love seem to be a rare thing nowadays. When you find one... you're blessed!

2. Boys have this common characteristic : admirers! But they differ from each other in so many ways. And still boys are confusing creatures!! hahaha! They are like a big puzzle hanging beside a river with piranhas!!

and lastly...

True love knows no boundaries, no culture, no race, no distance, no time. It goes as long as there is breath.... there it will always be.... beating.

:D

end: If Im Not in-Love with You

Janno Gibbs/Jennylyn Mercado

..... at 1 cup of coffee

" why in every fantasy

do i feel your arms embracing me

like lovers lost

in sweet desire...

why in dreams

do i surrender

like a little baby?

how do i explain this feeling?

someone tell me...

if i'm not in-love..... if am not in love.... with you.."